My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Only Americans understand
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.