My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I know karate and tons of other words.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
How do you like your Corgi?
