My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.


If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend


Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv


Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.


I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?


American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.


I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’


Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back


My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.


Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.