My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.