My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*


society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week


Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.


ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else


I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.


My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.


If it seems as though I love the dog more than you, kids, well that’s because he doesn’t have homework I need to help him with.


Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.


my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now