Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.