Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

My ideal weight is five million dollars