My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
