My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
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Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Florida man
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha