My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
😭😭
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Anime is real
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.