Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

“No way.” -Jose

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”