My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.