My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
What even happened today?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks