My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

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DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No


Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.


The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom


Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”


Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.


BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have


ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone


The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.


I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I’ve got a list of people I’d like to drop an anvil on.


This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”