My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
WHO DID THIS?
Sorry not sorry.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.