My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
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[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
How wrong was this guy?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened