My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
You Might Also Like
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.