Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

Happy Taco Tuesday

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

who will stop them

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.