Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Ooops wrong house😂😜

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest