my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
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58.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy