My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.