My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*aggressively waits in line*
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”