@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

- @skittle624

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@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@causticbob

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

@TheHyyyype

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

@TheCatWhisprer

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

@SteveSuckington

Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?

@LRenceFivvens

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

@pstamato

Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.