My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
This dude got his own movie?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.