My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.