Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

got so much cardio in today

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.