My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
You Might Also Like
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Got him!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.