My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants