My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
when you don’t want to be too vague
