My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
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I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
DOOO EEEET
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
it was love at first sight
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.