My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
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Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Well, that should do it
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)