My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Noah
![]()
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Coffee is ready.
![]()
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match