My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
