My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
You Might Also Like
The news in a nutshell.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.