My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
But I really needed water water water
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
work smarter, not harder
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.