My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
