My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.