My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.