My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
A little too much information.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’