My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
You Might Also Like
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably