Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!