My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I had to Stop for this
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer