My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I…do not understand how electricity works.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.