My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.