@CheeseDaydreams

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

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@behindyourback

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

@BastardProphet

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

@placeswewillgo1

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

@Papa_Mex

Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen

@pilau

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

@Robert_Beau

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

@Marlebean

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?

@isabelzawtun

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep