Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
You Might Also Like
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.