My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore