Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Jus’ sayin. 😐

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”