My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey