Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Love is in the air fryer.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”