Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

by any beans necessary

That stupid look on my face, is my face

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’