Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you