Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Finally a use for spoilers…

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.