Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Pretty certain I can more drunk

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.