My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[during sex]
Can you pass the mashed potatoes?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch