My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
What even happened today?
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon