My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.