My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
absolutely not
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.