My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My inexpensive home security system…
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
