My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Maths meets science
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials