My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
is nasa ok
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal