Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

channeling her this year

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.