My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
iPhone X
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I have a type: disappointing
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105