My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*