My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
You Might Also Like
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.