Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers