Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Sorry not sorry.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.