Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?