My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Lube but for my dry humor.