My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”