My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
🇺🇸🤭
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?