My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.