Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Good advice.

Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line