My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?