My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
✌🏽
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.