My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?