My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
◾️
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.