My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
hardest line in real life
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Lmao
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.