My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.