My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear