My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
😂🖐️
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”