My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
thank god the sign was there
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids